FiOne- God’s Freed One

haha, quite fun ah~ the title like that also can. can’t think of interesting stuff to write tonight. of course got happening, but i better don’t record it down.. haha. finally i miss writing diary in my diary book!

anyway, i went back to S4 to print notes, readings & reports (so many!) spent $6 of 5-cent-per-page papers! wa, i felt the pinch man… haha, ya ya ya, i’m just being thrifty on small stuff & spend on big things e.g. clothes, shoes.. need to stock up office attire as i see good bargains along the way.

my lastest purchase was KJV bible @ $4.90~ from Life Bookstore. yes, i picked that bible because of its price too. heehee, just for reading only, no need fanciful packaging as long as it’s small. but it’s black, so fierce~ i haven’t find it hard to read (maybe because i’ve been using online commentary as i read! it’s so insightful & useful!). meanwhile i read "Reaching for the Invisible God" as and when i feel like taking a break from my books. (do i sound like a student who’s having exams in 5 week’s time?). relax relax only~ got stress la, you didn’t read my past few blog meh? only tonight i’m satisfied with what i achieved in my revision, so abit relax & can come online despite i’ve switched off my laptop.

ok, tomorrow morning i’ve SM tutorial presentation discussion. TG i’ve finished reading the case on Boony Doon Vineyard. Nvm the "grapery" names of the wines that i’m not familiar with, still TG i managed to understand what i read.. the strategy, marketing, pricing, technology, distribution, industry, blah blah blah… ok, time for my late beauty sleep. No dream, thankz

hey hey~ Molly’s also my sister now! PTL! but liyan yet to make the final decision, i believe it’s a matter of time only. she already believes! just like me in 2001, i believe but yet to say the prayer.

reading "Reaching for the Invisible God" this morning after i woke up. actually i slept at 12am & did wake up at 8am (good 8hr sleep) but lazily went back to sleep till 1030am. should have woke at 8am because i felt good then. no (terrible) dream, just good complete rest throughout (no going to loo in middle of night despite me drinking a cup of water). when was the last last such good rest i’ve at night???

ok, back to that book. one thing stuck me for sure: God look forward while we look backward. whenever bad thing happens, we tend to ask "Why" questions while God planned to do something good out of it. we want clarity; God wants our trust in Him.

too often in the past, i’ve been a "backward" looking person, reliving certain memories in my head & heart. this’s quite dangerous because i’ll then conclude the past’s better than present & then waste my "present" too. even if certain pasts are unhappiness, my next thoughts would then be "it’ll be so good to be able to go back in time to change that". this way of thinking too prevents me from focusing on the present. well, the current "me" is getting better. no, this’s not self-praise. it’s an honour i want to give to God. of course i’m not perfect & He still has to work very hard to continuously challenge my thinking and transform my life. ok, the next "Why" question is: Why doesn’t He do it in an instant? the only reason that i can think of is: the transformation in me is more impressive than if i had suddenly gained perfection.

so i can start singing 1 Corithians 13:4-8 song

“爱 是 恒 久 忍 耐 ，又 有 恩 慈 ；

爱 是 不 嫉 妒 ；

爱 是 不 自 夸 ，不 张 狂 ，

不 做 害 羞 的 事 ，

不 求 自 己 的 益 处 ，不 轻 易 发 怒 ，

不 计 算 人 的 恶 ，

不 喜 欢 不 义 ，只 喜 欢 真 理 ；

凡 事 包 容 ，凡 事 相 信 ，凡 事 盼 望 ，

凡 事 忍 耐 。

爱 是 永 不 止 息 !”

vvvvvvvvvvvery stress about Strategic Mgt! i’m not that kinda person who strategises… studying this module can kill me! tonight quite depressed. roomie is not in, so i’ve more freedom to let my "down" side surfaces. if not, i’ll try to shuff it aside. but it’s getting harder to even cry out before God. it’s like my own way of relieveing my emotions & it’s nowhere to be found now. Tears… where are you?

haha, of course this’s not the only reason for my "depression". the other reason, i don’t want to elaborate here. i know, God know, can liao. got chance then let cgl know too.

when i start looking at all these problems, they indeed become much bigger than they seem to be. Lord, help me focus on You. esp the You on the cross where i can find freedom. for You’ve done all these, just to set me free~

圣灵啊，求你来。我软弱，你明白。

ok, let’s talk about something on my mind now. there’s actually alot going through it now that i don’t know where to start.

"exams" is 1 thing. on one hand, i know i want to know what’s important to study by looking at all the readings & past year papers. do find this semester’s modules hard to understand.. on the other hand, must entrust all these worries to Ah Pa because He cares. besides there’s tough SM project & report, comparatively easier-to-do but also time-consuming GE & ET2 projects & reports to do.. of course every semester is like that & i’m amazed that i survived every semester. must be His grace & strength that brought me through. i often think these as a beginning or test-bed. the real challenges are always out there when i stepped into the society university. well, it’s good to start right, right now.

"career" will start soon. well, people often said "there’s no prefect job for you, it’s how well you can perform in that job". i indeed want to do something that i believe i can contribute and not try to act "I can" when i can’t. with options out there, i just pray Ah Pa will open the right door & close the rest for me. haha.. as usual. but it works for my PA. which i’m still thankful for my 4th-choice placement at ITE Edu. Services Pte Ltd.

"family" is always there, for sure. just that whether it’s in the back of my mind or front. well, hard grounds require solid prayers. their salvations can only be found in the hands of God.

"chinese friends". strange isn’t it? although i do have majority of singaporean pre-believing friends, it’s the chineses who often cause a bigger stir in my heart. whether they’re in singapore or china. maybe it’s because i’m a chinese (by race), or i felt God has really blessed me alot through my trips to china and that’s why i hope to "bless" God by blessing those there.

hmm, i tend to think less of my spiritual family here because i’ve the tendency they’re well taken care of by Ah Pa and their leaders… but we all still need to show love and concerns to one another. by this the world knows we love God. trying okie? i always try to be there for that person who needs me.

last but not least, i’m concerned about my Quality Time (QT) with Ah Pa. how can i do His wills without having constantly staying in contact with Him? wait He gives instructions and i miss it, how? haha.. and the world’s so corrupted, i kena "psycho" by it and no longer be "transformed" by the Truth, how? ok, i’m not a "baby" anymore but i don’t think i’m that "mature" too. think the toughest part is being a "teenager" ya? but it’s part and parcel of growing, so i’ve learnt to embrace it! PTL!

this song never fails to express my heart: "And with our hands lifted high, we will worship and sing. And with our hands lifted high, we come before You rejoicing. With our hands lifted high to the sky, as the world wonders why, we just tell them we’re loving our King." so sweet a gesture~~~ Ah Pa, I love You. I wanna Love You!

Hey! I have a new sister named Susanna!!! I’m so thrilled when I heard this good news. Really TG for this new addition. Although she’s far away, our hearts are now bonded by the blood of the Lamb! PTL! Wrote another letter to her tonight only after recalling that I’ve forgotten to write to this girl called Juliet. Dear me… am I getting old? Forget for 2 months! Hope Juliet’ll not be angry with me and will exercise love towards me. J

Looking forward to network BBQ this Saturday too! Can play till mad… Sunday’s mahjong game’s not shiok enough although I laughed a lot. J Hmm, at Labrador Park, don’t know got mosquitoes or not. I’m a repellent, you know. Stay with me & the mosquitoes will not bite you.

I’m hoping for Molly to be my next sister too. She really touches my heart when she cried for her friend. I can’t remember which friend of mine would cry for me. J Isn’t she adorable? When we crossed the road, she (and other students too) would hold my hand. I find her very humble yet has a mind of her own. I really miss her smile too. Will I get to see them lot next year, Lord?

wa.. at first thought could spend time at home with family on this Mid-Autumn festival. but who knows they went off for cruise to Thailand. haha… but last night was fun with food, flute & mahjong with my spiritual family.. i think Caro & me had the most fun at the table. HAHA~ under the influence of "No alcohol", we both also  could play till very high!!! of cos no $ lah.

and surprisingly without the lure of "alcohol", our dear uncle Richard joined us leh! so sorry he didn’t have proper dinner cooked by Eddie & Caro (but prepared by Dylan & me) at my place because i thought he come at 8+pm, should have taken his dinner outside. anyway, he gotta tasted my cooking okie. more than compensate his loss. haha~ last but not least, washing by Michelle & Owen. all played a part in making my place as clean as it was before. yeah!

i think it’s in my family’s blood. we like to open our places for gatherings… i like playing host at my own house. so next time, my own place WILL be a good veune for R&R.

wa, yesterday was my only relax day of my week break… now is back to notes & books in preparation for Nov’s exams. i am still quite blur as to how to study for this semester… quite tough.

very tired. sat whole day at the workshop… sigh, tonight no need to study liao.. should sleep. nothing much to write here too… aiya, sleep ah~ tomorrow long day for project again… why Friday??? there goes my week break. & i only read through 2 lectures of Political Econs. aiyo. less online from next week onwards. too distracting, should go study room soon.

aiya, there’s just so much that went through my mind last night. plus the chatting of my neighbours next door was just so clear through the wall that i had to put on ear-plugs before travelling into dreamland.

plus plus…today my GE tutor showed us a German movie "The Experiment" which really increase my "trouble" thoughts. it’s based on a real story http://www.prisonexp.org/ but was highly dramatised for movie effects (the urine-humiliation, killing, injuring, locking up & attempted raping of asst. professor). nevertheless, the bottomline is the same: all are capable of being devils in actions. no matter how good a person you’re, it may just take split thought in a circumstance or group that you’re placed in to change your old thinkings & perceptions. no wonder corpse-choppers did what they did… and the scary thing is knowing or even believing that i’m capable of doing that too.

well, so much of the crazy world around me. let me change focus. last night, i thank G that He reminded me that i’m a new creation in Christ. the old has gone, the new has come. i’m no longer the girl who’s controlled by sin. i’m a new being in Christ, found & touched by His grace. no longer do i need to blame myself or others for the state i or others are in. cos everything happens for a reason & i trust G is in control.

If God doesn’t answer our prayers in the time and manner that we’ve asked, it’s because He can see what we cannot.

aiyo.. very tired now. it’s only 2230 & i feel like sleeping. in the morning, i did the list on "bondages". although i didn’t circle a lot of the listed bondages, it’s the depth not the breadth that matters. Then i started to read "Reaching for the Invisible God" again cos its English was quite hard to understand for me when i read it the 1st time. but the more i read, the more i wonder if i really know who’s God…

then i went to TCT to help out the SM2 performance makeup before heading NTU. took a cab cos legs were tired & no direct bus. the cabbie said he travel a longer route & took $10 from me only instead of $13. blessed be him who bless others.

i cleaned up my room, bathed, did laundry, cleared emails & stuff..

bEn suddenly sms us to pray for loved ones as dengue rate rises. then i confessed that i think i’m the one who passed the flu/cold virus to kymie as i’ve been having it for the month of August. forgotten that babies are less immune. gotta make up with more prayers. then i recalled the incident 13 years ago in my old Bedok room… my 10-year-old-kid suggestion almost caused me to be a foetus killer. Wah.. harsh word hor? "killer"… haha, or "murderer" since the corpse choppers have been making headlines this year. ok, maybe i should stop thinking this way… so naturally my train of thoughts will go towards the direction of "self blame". sigh… poor little Fione who always tortures herself like that. I’m sure God didn’t create her to be this way… something is wrong. something needs to be transformed.

wa~ received a call from mom before i bathed, checking my whereabout. quite sorry that she’s alone at home… plus she sounds "lonely" that i’m not at home. aiyo, my heart~

wa, so many attacks today… no wonder so tired. wanna cry also got no chance cos someone came to visit me in room. today’s September 11 too~ sigh.

yea, someone commented that i seldom blog again. so here i come again. got demand then got supply. haha..