i don’t know what title to give to today’s blog. seriously i also don’t know what i’ll write. because my dear brother kian seh "feedbacked" that i haven’t been updating, so maybe i just do it now. hahaa.
had a 2.5hr chat with another brother, Bob this afternoon. he had mentioned during our meet, this lunch thingy is like a yearly ritual for us since year 1. talked alot, from casual updates like recent happenings, studies, family to a all-time favourite HOT topic (esp at my age?): BGR. he’s very concerned (i must say) as to why it’s not my priority now to get involved in a r/s. i answered it’s not my priority now & i’m not that willing to "cut" my time from current commitments to spend time with a guy.
the conversation evolved to a point where i realised that i still find it hard to "love God" & "love man" at the same time because i tend to see things separated & not in big picture/ even put them together. mutually exclusive. i’m afraid history’ll repeat itself where i put man in 1st place of my life (that’s before i accepts Jesus). but my brother reminded me that the whole commandments are summed up to One: love your neighbour as yourself (Romans 13:9). true, we show that we love God by loving others and also because God 1st love us and had demonstrated that love is action, not merely feelings. there’s no need for mutually exclusitivity too, many aspects of life can be mixed into One.
when we were conversing through my 1st reason, thoughts began to flow & my tears just swelled up when he assured i’m a changed being. Free. i keep worrying about me thinking & behaving like i were before i know God when i’m in a new r/s, that i don’t want to try risking my faith in God by starting a bgr now to test myself in this area. because i’m not quite sure i’ll stand firm that God’s still be my No.1 as He should. of course i’ll disappointed that guy, God’s family & myself if i don’t. myself, yes, utterly… this’ll lead to my 2nd reason of expectations…
another reason is that i don’t know if my future boyfriend or even myself can live up to my own expectations of contributing to the r/s. i hope my next is my last, so my expectations are higher. set high standards mah, i’m getting the best "parents" for my kids. but i’m beginning to wonder if my expectations are realistic and that i’m too hard on myself. hahaa~ those i wrote down are definitely realistic but those i didn’t & are now floating in my head are perhaps not.
although i’ve other "barriers to entry" (sorry, often read this in my studies) like he must be pleasant-looking, preferably not more than 5 years older, preferably 175 cm tall, has "chemistry" with me, can communicate with me, can withstand hardship..plus another list of 18 more criteria, i find these are not crucial to me starting a r/s. ultimate test is still: Am I willing? and who else is willing, is also very important. it takes 2 right…other than God in our mist. 
suddenly i felt another meaning of my name that God might want me to bear in mind too. haha.. yes, i know i’m Freed & therefore is Free. but One… hmm.. handling all aspects of my One life? i do agree my life is not made of just one aspect but many ones. i don’t think i want & it’s possible that life is only made up of one area too. sorry, i’m just being too high C (Conscientious) even in my analysis of my life which makes my life difficult sometimes. haha.. re-lax re-lax~
