FiOne- God’s Freed One

Before going for yesterday service, i worshipped & prayed with whatever "heart" i’ve left. "Help me stay faithful & steadfast in Your hands" were the last verse of the song that i sang as i knelt down in the comfort of my empty house. i was feeling sad & angry at myself for feeling sad most of the times. shouldn’t i be joyful for what God has done for me on the cross? why am i like what pastor said "baptised in bitter gourd juice"? why am i feeling up & down so frequently, so fast? why can’t i see beyond my current situation & trust God with my future? why am i like a yoyo, worse still like a yoyo played by the devil. wah, when i sense these words "like a yoyo played by the devil" in my heart, i felt lagi sadder… meanwhile trying to convince myself who am i, that i’m a princess of God & belongs to Him only.

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As i was on my knees, crying as i felt sad & angry at myself, i heard God say that "a broken spirit & a contrite heart, I don’t despise". on hearing these, i cried like nobody’s business (yea, since i’m alone anyway). why am i despising myself for feeling sad? Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! (Matt 5:3) was what Ps Jeff shared just last night! only when we’re at our wit’s ends do we realise that there’s always & only this One Person we can approach with confident: Jesus. being down can be a motivation for us to turn to God in need again, only if we choose to do so. so being sad is not a problem itself. it’s what we do with our sadness that sets us apart. i’ve chosen to give it to Lord yesterday & will keep reminding myself (with God’s strength) to do so in future. Man are so weak!

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During service, i was deeply touched by this new song that goes "Only You can hear the heartbeat that says i love you. Only You feel the deep emotions that ache to hold You". you see, sometimes i even doubt if i really love God but He knows that there’s just this deep, small corner of my heart that still says i do love Him. & He definitely knows i ache to want to hold onto Him, the cost of pride, self-centreness, logic, great inconvenience and misunderstanding by those who have yet to know Him. TG these costs come with the prize of knowing Jesus. knowing that Holy Spirit is always living in you, reminding you of God’s presence & hence help us live a holy life to please Him.

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i’m sad. becos i’m not made for this world. i’m homesick for heaven!!!

hohoho, i made a mistake. it actually began with another brother’s sms that stated "you’re a dear sis to me" that trigger my thoughts of why am i "dear"? i haven’t done anything extra nice & therefore don’t "earn" that "dear" title. i’m like always receiving more than giving. phew! it’s just hard for me to comprehen… i sort of "reject" ple leh, why they still find me "dear"???

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after much procrastination, i stepped into BG place for a chat on Sunday late morning. 50% scary because on 1 hand, i know they’re concerned about me since day 1, which i really appreciate & treasure, pondering them in my heart. on the other hand, i know i’ll be forced to face certain things that i’ll rather choose not to, if left alone. yea, i’m that weak. since young, "Avoidance" is my No. 1 solution to problems i cannot solve. just like Math question, don’t know how to do, skip 1st. haha.. of course, the result’ll be an big explosion 1 fine day. but TG i’m willing to kick this habit. if God can forgive me, why can’t i forgive others/ myself? Although everything was made ‘good’ initially, we’re all fallen men in an imperfect world now. Jesus has provided us a perfect solution through His plan of redemption & is still offering it now for us to receive.

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TG He didn’t & willn’t give up on me, answering my prayer that if i can’t hold on, He has to hold onto me. That same Sunday worship was amazing, everything seemed to be fashioned in a way that spoke to me. i’m like the only reason why the usual setting’ll change, in order for His message to get into my heart again. i must say He’s very successful lor… Every turn a surprise~ From worship song to Pastor’s tearful prayer, every word spoke clearly that my willingness to come to Him in need, itself is an act of worship that brings Him delight (not just the songs we usually sing). Many times now i will think that worship is to bless Him only & have forgotten that it’s also a time where i get touched by Him too. Reminded of my very 1st service @ TC where i’m so touched by this God whom i had just come to receive. my r/s with Him is the most trying one i’ll ever have… but is also one that i’m most assured of too, since it’s based on facts & not just feelings.

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maybe i should learn to receive love from another angle. not from the angle of "i need to earn my worth" but from the angle that "others just love me the way i’m". sometimes i will be sensitive to other’s needs. ocassionally i pass some sarcastic remarks. rarely i scold (& i’m trying not to). At times i talk alot, other time i just slip into the background. often i’ve alot of crazy ideas to surprise others but didn’t realise any. perhaps i should "Just Do It".

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well, i look forward to the authentic version of "FiOne". she’ll still be her (physically, unless He wants to compensate me with some height..hehee. no lah, it’s by no mistake that i’m made this "tall". haha~) yet in a very different outlook & feel. wonder will i like that version. should be bah, it’s after tonnes of polishing & pain one ok~ but it’s all for His glory, purpose & His loved one (me lah, who else?).

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anyway, i slept at 5am last night. it’s as if i had drank tea just before i turned in.. i drank milo leh~ kept seeing this "()" symbols in my mind as i lied on bed, as if for me to fill it with adjectives of the potential guy i would like. well, i didn’t do it because i wanted to sleep! but times passed real fast & i’m still awake despite tired (irony huh?). then my FYP mate smsed me at 4+am to say he’s stressed about our FYP (he’s surprised i haven’t sleep too). wa.. my 1st reaction was "we’ll just do our best lah". of course i’m concerned about the result, but my kiasu style is to complete it early then there’s more time for fine-tuning. soon, it’ll be finished.

through at least 2 different persons, people who i least expected, to tell me the same thing? well, it’s as if He already knows it’s not going to be enough by just me knowing that this 2006 resolution is going to be "that". how does this 2006 resolution originated anyway??? let me recall… many many years ago… in the ancient province of south China, there……

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lived a little girl named Yufeng (wa, so long no heard of this name being called liao). Being the youngest, she grows up in a family of parents & 3 siblings. In a ntushell, she played hard & studied hard when she’s in her primary school. Thank to the strict supervision of her uneducated mother, who always think that education is very, very important. Without which, it’s difficult to find a good-paying job. Though they all had proper meals and clothes, unhappiness on lack of money seemed to be the common quarrelling topic of her parents. Unknowingly, she grew up with this stigma in her mind: Save save save, so that i’ll have money when i need. Not a bad idea to save for a rainy day. Even the school taught us that. (to be continued..when i have time)

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i think a sms from a brother set me thinking why am i always reluctant to share with others, my life? i think left, i think right. sooo many donkey reasons lk "why will others bother to listen?", "are they trying to harm me after hearing?", "will they reject/ laugh at me?", "are they really sincere in listening to me or just passing time?", "what if they misunderstand what i really mean?". so i reject them before they can ever do it to me & put on a "I’m ok" front. unknowingly, this wall was built high & strong to withstand any eye contacts, words of affirmation, fragrances of refreshment, taste of concern and touches of love. well, maybe occasionally i’ll come out of the walls when i get too bored inside. of course i get jealous when others can enjoy deep ple-to-ple relationships when i can’t. then i started evaluating is there something wrong with me and went back behind the walls. & the cycle goes again & again.

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UNTIL last days of 2005, that simple short sms of "so, when are you going to share with me your problem? :)" came & knocked on my heart. hey, suddenly everything came into light. it’s just so simple & direct (Lord knows i cannot take beating round the bush). if i can overcome this weakness of mine, the rest of the problems in my life are so easily untangled! wah! sounds so simplified but so real. Ah huh… but the theory is easy & application is hard. how am i going to be open & to the right ple @ the right time? well, being a literal person doesn’t help here because this is not a Step 1,2,3 thingy. ya, tell me it’s a lifelong process. but how many years do i have? how much will i miss out if i don’t learn fast enough? how enough is enough? huh, enough? is there a 100% mark anyway? haha… that’s me. give me 1 question & i’ll form 3 more in my head. Hehee… anyway, no matter what is it, God’s still Him.

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He bothers to listen, even at my slightest complaints or thankgivings.

He doesn’t harm me after hearing, His plans "are to prosper me, not to harm me, to give me hope & a future" Jeremiah 29:11

He willn’t reject/ laugh at me, He just knows i’m silly at times. But that’s the cute part that He created in me too. Surely He can’t reject what He has declared "good".

He’s really sincere in listening to me & not just passing time. Try taking care of the largest nation on earth, see if you also got so much free time. Not to say the universe…

& lastly, He can never misunderstand what i really mean because He made me & knows the words that’ll come out of my mouth even before i say them.

FiOne scary or not? One moment happy, one moment depressed. haha~ Am I mad or what? No lah, was reading past blog entries & caught sight of this song that I like. "Coincidentally", I was singing this same song after so long when I was walking in the rain with umbrella. Well, this year, I decided not to ask God to stop the rain for me because I dislike being trapped in rain & drenched by rain. Instead, He can rain or shine as long as it glorifies Him. I should seek to satisfy His desires instead of asking Him to satisfy my desires. I’ll sing Gigi Leung’s unpopular song "I fall in love with rainy days" each time it rains & i’m outdoor. This part of the chorus is something like

"我爱上下雨天就像你在耳边
慢慢的咀嚼长长的思念
但愿你会这样想我
泪吻上我的脸
我爱上下雨天就像你在身边
带着我潜入你的世界
没有时间只有感觉
用一整夜去怀念"

the rest of the lyrics seems like a sad song but its rhythem is very sweetie, lovey-dovey type. hahaa. Jesus’s supposed to be my lover what! you eeee what eeee?

Yes, again… But I’m finding it harder & harder to cry. Have my heart turned so hard that it forbides the weakness flow of tears? Since I seldom share my emotions, if can’t even cry on my own then is very sad leh… Aiyo, this’s not the saddest thing. Sometimes my black dog grows so big that I cant even ask myself the question "will I go heaven after I die?". Serious. How sad! Ya, TG it’s not rapture then. It can get super-duper depressing at times. TG I’m not into depression yet. or have I? No la, heheee… Still can hehee means not yet.

I cried tonight only after I read my china trip journal written in 2001. Wah, I’m such a "laughing" person then! Easily satisfied, tickled & laugh. What happen to me now?!? Aiyo! Where has "me" gone to…… Please come back. Well, since the day I choose to grow out of my childishness, that jovial & childlikeness side of me seem to die off too. How can I learn not to be so literal? Why am I so dumb? (I can hear Jesus saying that….haha..in the bible la) How can I wink wink my eyes & think "actually I don’t know God"? How come I can easily call Him "Daddy, Lao Pa, Father" in the past but now even the word "God" is like a foreign word. Ah. Does that spell trouble? (My eyeballs roll up & visualise red bulbs.) Have I been walking in the valley for too long that I’ve lost the ability to scale height again? Not to say "fly"… Ya, always got problem singing that worship song "I will soar on eagle’s wings". Human can fly meh? (see, a classic FiOne’s example of literalism) Don’t tell me aeroplanes, helicopters, hotair balloons… No mood for jokes & it’s not funny.

Wah, I thought I’ve enough of waiting for HS to touch me with a miraclous  encounter that’ll turn my character 180 degree? Didn’t I say I want to start chasing Him instead of being chased by Him all the time? I started reading bible again, which helps sometimes but my attention span in bible decreases expotentially the second my eyes fall on the tiny wordings. Perhaps that’s why He send ple to tell me things here & there, which all piece up to be the message of the year… haha.. What’s the message? Not telling you here~ HaHAHAA~ It’s going to 1 kinda tough learning year for me this 2006. For others, it may come naturally for them. For me, it’s like learning a new language & boy, I HATE to learn new language!