FiOne- God’s Freed One

hohoho, i made a mistake. it actually began with another brother’s sms that stated "you’re a dear sis to me" that trigger my thoughts of why am i "dear"? i haven’t done anything extra nice & therefore don’t "earn" that "dear" title. i’m like always receiving more than giving. phew! it’s just hard for me to comprehen… i sort of "reject" ple leh, why they still find me "dear"???

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after much procrastination, i stepped into BG place for a chat on Sunday late morning. 50% scary because on 1 hand, i know they’re concerned about me since day 1, which i really appreciate & treasure, pondering them in my heart. on the other hand, i know i’ll be forced to face certain things that i’ll rather choose not to, if left alone. yea, i’m that weak. since young, "Avoidance" is my No. 1 solution to problems i cannot solve. just like Math question, don’t know how to do, skip 1st. haha.. of course, the result’ll be an big explosion 1 fine day. but TG i’m willing to kick this habit. if God can forgive me, why can’t i forgive others/ myself? Although everything was made ‘good’ initially, we’re all fallen men in an imperfect world now. Jesus has provided us a perfect solution through His plan of redemption & is still offering it now for us to receive.

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TG He didn’t & willn’t give up on me, answering my prayer that if i can’t hold on, He has to hold onto me. That same Sunday worship was amazing, everything seemed to be fashioned in a way that spoke to me. i’m like the only reason why the usual setting’ll change, in order for His message to get into my heart again. i must say He’s very successful lor… Every turn a surprise~ From worship song to Pastor’s tearful prayer, every word spoke clearly that my willingness to come to Him in need, itself is an act of worship that brings Him delight (not just the songs we usually sing). Many times now i will think that worship is to bless Him only & have forgotten that it’s also a time where i get touched by Him too. Reminded of my very 1st service @ TC where i’m so touched by this God whom i had just come to receive. my r/s with Him is the most trying one i’ll ever have… but is also one that i’m most assured of too, since it’s based on facts & not just feelings.

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maybe i should learn to receive love from another angle. not from the angle of "i need to earn my worth" but from the angle that "others just love me the way i’m". sometimes i will be sensitive to other’s needs. ocassionally i pass some sarcastic remarks. rarely i scold (& i’m trying not to). At times i talk alot, other time i just slip into the background. often i’ve alot of crazy ideas to surprise others but didn’t realise any. perhaps i should "Just Do It".

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well, i look forward to the authentic version of "FiOne". she’ll still be her (physically, unless He wants to compensate me with some height..hehee. no lah, it’s by no mistake that i’m made this "tall". haha~) yet in a very different outlook & feel. wonder will i like that version. should be bah, it’s after tonnes of polishing & pain one ok~ but it’s all for His glory, purpose & His loved one (me lah, who else?).

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anyway, i slept at 5am last night. it’s as if i had drank tea just before i turned in.. i drank milo leh~ kept seeing this "()" symbols in my mind as i lied on bed, as if for me to fill it with adjectives of the potential guy i would like. well, i didn’t do it because i wanted to sleep! but times passed real fast & i’m still awake despite tired (irony huh?). then my FYP mate smsed me at 4+am to say he’s stressed about our FYP (he’s surprised i haven’t sleep too). wa.. my 1st reaction was "we’ll just do our best lah". of course i’m concerned about the result, but my kiasu style is to complete it early then there’s more time for fine-tuning. soon, it’ll be finished.

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