I Cried
Yes, again… But I’m finding it harder & harder to cry. Have my heart turned so hard that it forbides the weakness flow of tears? Since I seldom share my emotions, if can’t even cry on my own then is very sad leh… Aiyo, this’s not the saddest thing. Sometimes my black dog grows so big that I cant even ask myself the question "will I go heaven after I die?". Serious. How sad! Ya, TG it’s not rapture then. It can get super-duper depressing at times. TG I’m not into depression yet. or have I? No la, heheee… Still can hehee means not yet.
I cried tonight only after I read my china trip journal written in 2001. Wah, I’m such a "laughing" person then! Easily satisfied, tickled & laugh. What happen to me now?!? Aiyo! Where has "me" gone to…… Please come back. Well, since the day I choose to grow out of my childishness, that jovial & childlikeness side of me seem to die off too. How can I learn not to be so literal? Why am I so dumb? (I can hear Jesus saying that….haha..in the bible la) How can I wink wink my eyes & think "actually I don’t know God"? How come I can easily call Him "Daddy, Lao Pa, Father" in the past but now even the word "God" is like a foreign word. Ah. Does that spell trouble? (My eyeballs roll up & visualise red bulbs.) Have I been walking in the valley for too long that I’ve lost the ability to scale height again? Not to say "fly"… Ya, always got problem singing that worship song "I will soar on eagle’s wings". Human can fly meh? (see, a classic FiOne’s example of literalism) Don’t tell me aeroplanes, helicopters, hotair balloons… No mood for jokes & it’s not funny.
Wah, I thought I’ve enough of waiting for HS to touch me with a miraclous encounter that’ll turn my character 180 degree? Didn’t I say I want to start chasing Him instead of being chased by Him all the time? I started reading bible again, which helps sometimes but my attention span in bible decreases expotentially the second my eyes fall on the tiny wordings. Perhaps that’s why He send ple to tell me things here & there, which all piece up to be the message of the year… haha.. What’s the message? Not telling you here~ HaHAHAA~ 
It’s going to 1 kinda tough learning year for me this 2006. For others, it may come naturally for them. For me, it’s like learning a new language & boy, I HATE to learn new language!
