FiOne- God’s Freed One

Yes, FYP’s over now. Just need to wait for final edition before it’s officially finished. TG that it’s done.

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TG that i went Post Encounter yesterday despite the flu i’m having. struggled to get out of bed (of course) but i sensed the gentle urging of HS telling me to go & be blessed. if i could only identify 1 blessing that morning, it’ll be this: I realise my struggle to be accepted as important. a brother’s words set me thinking again, "why me? what have i contribute to our fellowship?" often, i don’t feel that my existence’ll make a difference. there’s so many souls out that like me… don’t need to mention about looks because i already know i look like this this this, that that that person… haha. i’m like the beggar in the crowd that surround Jesus. no one notice except Jesus. isn’t it puzzling???

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Till worship in afternoon service, i’m still wondering about this issue. yet the lyrics again & again spoke about the glory of Him & took my focus off myself, which i’m glad. unto Him who’s worthy & deserving of all praises. so glad to be able to worship as usual. slowly i began to realise i’m important to God! so important that He’s mindful of me all the time, taking time & effort to prune me when He could jolly well do many other things on earth & heaven. but it’s me He looks upon & mold me daily into His characters. often this journey can be tough & trying, leading me to feel terrible & tiny about myself but He’s….

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my Shield (from false accusations), my Strength (to finish this race)

My Portion (my destiny in God), Delieverer (from sins)

My Shelter (from harsh weathers), Strong Tower (of refuge)

My very Presence Help in times of need.

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but my God’s a God of Abundance!!! so 1 blessing from Him seemed to undermine His power. What can i ask of You, God that You’ll freely give? #1 on my list is Love (aka God Himself). As i asked of more of You to fill me during worship, i saw this picture again- the picture of You, as a Father embracing me by the beach. HEY, this venue’s the same as the one He showed me during my 1st Encounter Weekend’s session of "Father’s love". how long ago was that? that’s during my 20th birthday~ dear, almost 4 years! but it remains as 1 of the most beautiful moments/ picture/ mental movies that i ever had from God.

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The heavenly Father’s arms never tire of holding His children.

it’s the time of the night again where i’m abit lost at what to do… after dinner, bathe and done online errand, there’s still abit of time before my 10pm QT. if i’m at home, i sure watch TV. haven’t been wanting to study too.. oh dear, very slack for this last semester! anyway, i’ll study when the mind’s in right mood.

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FYP will be over soon! 99% done. yippy~ looking back, it seems a long journey.. weekly or even daily meetings during weekdays. glad that it’s coming to an end, where the product’s almost complete. perhaps by then can i set my mind to studying for my modules.

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coming back to my spiritual life, i thank God for being with me through all seasons. humbled by the Sanctification week experiences, my heart becomes tender for God once again. not only i feel good about it, i’m feeling good about any other things too! yea, when my spiritual life is good, it manifests to all other areas of my life. when Jesus’s at the centre of me.

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done a spiritual gifting assessment test this week (available at http://www.cforc.com/sgifts.html). i scored full for ‘Craftmanship’! yes, i enjoy working with my hands. creating beautiful things out of them, which are beautifully created by God. next highest rating is ‘Evangelist’. strange, every christian should answer a "4" for those questions what! heehee. anyway, i’m also high on ‘Helps’ and ‘Hospitality’. by helping others make my life worthwhile bah. instead of being a libility on earth, i can be an asset and see the smiles of the receiver. i’m blessed too! if not how to bless other???

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ok, time’s up. just nice for QT now.

天天都是感恩天~

I was still feeling pain in the afternoon because of the antibiotics. Checked with doctor again & she said to try for 1 more then before I stop. Finally I decided to heed Mlee’s advice to stop immediately, which I initially wondered if it’s a bad move since we’re SUPPOSED to complete the full course. So painful that if I didn’t do anything to distract myself from the pain, it’s quite unbearable. Hehee.. in the end, i took a nap but when I woke up, it’s pouring in NTU! Usually I’ll feel sian if it rains when I’m about to go out but at that moment, I’m thinking, rain or pain will not stop me from attending Sanctification Week! Not a sense of sianness because I know the trip’s worthwhile.

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Bearing the pain, i overslept on MRT & alighted at Tanah Merah instead of Paya Lebar. As I took a bus to TC, it passed by Bedok & I still felt that I’m at "home".. As I’m reaching, I suddenly recalled the scene that happened the night before, where I’m captivated by the beautiful banners inside TC, the detailedness & colours of these art works. Even told Chin who’s beside me that I want the "red" one.. haha. I went on further in my own imaginations about me asking Ps Khong how much does one of that banners cost! haha.. but before he ever got a chance to reply, I answered myself by say "it must be very expensive since it’s so beautiful." Through that short flashback & added thoughts, amazingly, God told me that i’m beautiful since i’m brought at the highest price.. Jesus’s blood. hehe.. simple analogy but I comprehen it better than He just telling me plainful without an example.

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Bearing the pain, I ate dinner with Mlee & Chin before going into TC. Initially wanted to tell them the impression I just had from God, but the pain killed my talking mood. TG it faded off after Mlee prayed for me & I could concentrate better. Ps HG was funny in his deliverance of the session, it helps to keep us awake & remember the lessons better too.

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I confirmed that I’ve many "Goliaths" in my life.. Fear of this & that but no fear of God. Only God can change & renew my mind. Am I not willing to receive? Why am I not willing? I’m only scare that I’ll have a "releapse", then I’ll feel even worse off than before, disappointed. It’s like I trust God to renew me totally, but then it’s like not working/ not working fully. That’s why I’m holding back most of the time… by having a plan B. BUT having to recognise this fear is good. So I don’t have to be deceived/ ignorant. Instead, I can commit all these to our Good God, our Loving Lord, our Superb Shepherd, our Faithful Father. He knows best how to deal with them.

ok, this time the pain is not emotional/ spiritually. it’s physically… very pain in my adominal area. suspect it’s the antibiotics i’m taking now.. doctor said something about having to eat before consuming it, so it must be pretty strong/ acidic ah? but i eat before taking it leh, still very very pain & keep burping. really feel like can vomiting everything out so that i can feel better. called up the doctor & she said try for 1 more day & stop. eee.. i thought antibiotics must finish full course one…

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anyway, this week is Sanctification. 1st time going through it & blur about it initially. but thank God there’s many resources (leader gives, fellow member gives, online) available that explains it & Tabernacle plainly. it’s really interesting!!! <aiyo..the pain’s unbearable~ that i cant think of what to write..ahhh~> anyway last night was the 1st session of Sanctification. well, think my heart’s more opened after reading up on the significance of Tabernacle..so most of the things went in while my tears flowing out. One word: Good.

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dont write liao.. very painful…

wa! heard this song from Campus Superstar’s hot favourite’s mouth & thought it’s a very nice song! then learnt it’s originally sung by that Kawaii Taiwanese girl. Didn’t know she has such nice songs. Not that she really sings very well, but the song itself is good. long time no sing new Chinese pop songs… hahha. next time ktv must sing this song…er…but when am i going???

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Still left think right think about my career options. sigh… once again i’m at the crossroad i faced 3 years ago. dear dear… how? suddenly i asked myself what am i created for? (hmm, after very long time, cg’s continuing Purpose-driven Life this week again. haven’t grown to love that book though) after writing my diary and talking to God just now, suddenly i had this question popped up in my head: how do i know Jesus is the real God? after a few seconds, i have the answer too: by faith and faith is by hearing the word of God. Life is a gamble & i’ve chosen and will still choose Jesus everyday. just that living in this world makes me & my thinking/ learning complicated. God and this fallen world operate in opposite directions most of the time. well, in this world, people remember sad songs easier but in God, praise & worship dominates!!!

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i need to decide who to please with my thinking, words and actions. Wow~ gotta presevere. then i opened my bible & read James 4:11 "…blessed are those who have presevered". i want to be blessed and i want a new beginning everyday with Jesus. i’m freed, free to do what’s right even after I’ve messed up-again. huh, isn’t this situation of ‘being in the world but not of the world’ similar to the song 暧昧? the song tells of ‘being in the situation of beyond friendship but not yet lovers’… the in-between feeling.

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1st month of breaking down has just over, the devil’s working so hard that i couldn’t believe! but i know God’s doing better and will do more in this heart of mine. i’ve given my heart for a bgr to Him long ago, perhaps i should consider giving Him my heart for knowing Him & me too.

don’t know leh.. this’s the most irritating part. because I don’t like to be kept in the dark, I want to know what’s happening. but sometimes I just don’t know what causes my sulking emotions or sometimes I don’t have the patience to ask/think myself. it’s like playing squash alone.. hitting within the walls and hitting myself. then I’ll feel why am I so dumb?!?! no answer to my cause, so I’m like very dumb. i’ve given up the use of "stupid" long ago because it sounds too degrading. perhaps while we want answers to our troubles, God want only faith in Him. and this kind of faith can only exist when relationship exists.

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some people say the emotion roller coaster’s a female thingy. i don’t want… why must I be controlled by my extreme emotions? why can’t i control them if they belong to me?

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sigh……………………….. what’s so good about being fallen man? (arhem, who say fallen man’s good in the 1st place?) All need Jesus. None can escape. All will bow at His majesty. None can stand in His Holiness. All will confess His name. None can live in burning sulfur. but not All love God.

yea..let me tell you why.

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last night, while i’m bathing, i realised water was flowing into my bathing cubicle. this water’s not the usual soapy kind that your next-cubicle mate had rinsed down the body but it looked very eerie. it’s filled with something which i thought was black fibres! so i really thought it’s someone washing her black clothes next door. but soon, there’s a smell… smell of faeces~ as i looked down again, my feet were almost soaked in that blackie water despite i’m on my slippers!!! at a 2nd look, i really saw shit in that water!!! without a moment to spare, i quickly got out of the toilet & saw the whole toilet flooded! not willing to walk out of this shit without knowing what’s the underlying reason, i went to take a look at the toilet cubicles. the 1st bowl kept flushing water while the ground pipe of 2nd cubicle had the shitty water gushing out of it!!! so that’s the reason!!! on my way out, another girl wanted to go in but i explained to her what i’ve just saw. then i quickly took another bathe in the next toilet on the same floor, gotta washed and soaped my pretty feet which were soaked in shit water just now right??? but after i’m done, i realised the situation get worse! now the corridor’s flooded and water was flowing downstairs by the stairs!!! Seeing the seriousness of the disaster, i called up the security but the overflowing stopped only 2hr later… WHAT an eventful night~

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nevertheless, i still tried to study for my quiz today. the quiz question came as a surprise and i thought for very long before i made the choice, trying to justify my choice. anyway, it’s over and i’m going to watch Geisha later~

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Happy 4th wedding anniversary, BG!

and since i’llnt be online on saturday, Happy 1st birthday, Kymie!