FiOne- God’s Freed One

Finally after 4 days of struggling to go work and performing my best there as if I’m 100% healthy, I chose a MC to rest on this day, which is also my birthday! Ya, supposed to rest after seeing doctor and taking breakfast at 830am but MC also means a good opportunity to "run errand" which is impossible if I were at work: changed 2 bed sheets, aired 2 blankets, did over-1-week of laundry, vacuum-cleaned my room abit (otherwise 1-year old niece will fall sick as a result of crawling on my dirty floor when looking for me), chased people for Walkathon submissions, frighten 2 brothers with sudden "loanshark" calls (sorry if I really did but I think I sounded quite sweet leh since I’m sick and don’t want to speak loudly), compiled the received lists and finally bathed and ate lunch. On and off, I’ll received birthday sms wishes and calls from work, which I’m absolutely fine with it since I’m still working at home anyway..Haha..When I’m all done with these, it’s already 3pm.

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Failed to meet my hottest date in my dreams for the next 2 hours. Maybe His glory in my room is too bright till I can’t sleep. Curtains are useless in the day! My room’s soooo bright, which is what I like too but didn’t get to enjoy much of it since away at work in the day.. I decided to come online again to check for the last submission again and blog this today’s event down. Nope, no have.

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Mist of tossing and turning on my bed, I can’t believe I can still think of work that needs my attention when I’m back! Wah, my memory really gets better after started working. Used to super-relied on my organiser for my schedule when studying. Simply bochap to remember~ Interestingly I also managed to think of how to do an interesting opening for the presentation to sec sch students on Basic F&B and Culinary Elective Module. How come I always think of presentation opening when I’m trying to sleep??? though the chance of doing it is unknown for now. But boss likes to surprise people with tasks… I also thought of how he might reprimand me during Monday meeting for not completing certain things and yet go on MC. Of course I can show him my 101 reasons why I chose to rest on this day if he really turns nasty. But I also remind myself not to go for "an eye for an eye" method of handling conflicts. Being an (true) ambassador of Christ, I always want to do what Jesus would do if He were in my shoes.

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This is just One of my ways to please God.

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This is just One of the ways I work for Him.

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This is just One of my ways to tell the world that Jesus is real and Jesus indeed transforms me.

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This is also One of my ways to keep my heart humble in Christ, knowing I’m nothing without Him.

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This is the One life I want to live. For Jesus.

Finished the last 5 discs at 1 go! Phew! Okok, next time don’t watch this kinda shows liao. (Last time also say the same thing after watched 1st F4 show, haha!) Fine, at least now I try to focus on what’re the good things I can learn & apply from that show. Nonetheless, I admit the "cute lovers" part is still distracting. Hellooo, without the lovers, there’ll be no show~ Yea, a show is a show after all.

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I often question myself when am I ready for my next relationshio-in-Christ too. After so many years, I’m so used to go whereever I want without considering "the other person". At times when I’m insecure, Jesus always reminds me He’s always with me. Ultimately, nothing matters except Him. I believe He’s preparing me for that somebody whom He is also preparing for me.

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I’m specially thankful to Him for testing & convincing me that I’m free using an event this particular week. Restoration has always been available to me but the final touch comes from me willing to believe. Can’t say I don’t believe before that, just that that’s my character. I need to know the answer before I "die heart", either through asking or being tested. Otherwise few years later, I’ll still be seeking answers and can’t move on. On and off, I’ll ask God for the testing to prove that I’m truly freed. Praise-God-ly (paiseh, invented my own word), the opportunity came and I felt so relieved and thankful. That chapter of my life’s finally closed and I look forward to the next one in His hands. For I’ll hold His faithful hand untill He places me into his hand. Then from there onwards, both he and I will hold God’s hands together,fulfilling our destiny in Jesus for the glory of His wondrous name. Life’s all about Him.

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It’s the best birthday gift given to me this year. Thank You, AH PA!!!

After I’ve finished the book "A Love Worth Giving" on my way to work, then I realised it’s been 2 weeks of reading it while I’m on that cold train. Cold from the temperature & cold from the commuters travelling in & out of the MRT doors. okie~ I’ll try not to be so negative towards that working lot of people (haha, I’ve joined them since May too). At least I remembered there’s one occasion where a lady asked me if I want to sit before she settled into the ‘rare’ seat. She must have seen me giving up my seat to a pregnant lady earlier. Because I didn’t except anyone to offer me a seat, it really brought smiles & sweet memories to me.

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OMG, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I forgot about checking my exam results today while busy at work~ I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT MY EYES SEE!!! God’s really really  really loving me… His loves always perseveres.

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Most of all, His Love never fails. NEVER because He has even endured the cross for us, what more will He not do for us if what we ask for is to bring glory to Him?

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I quickly sms some people to share my joy..haha, somebody said they’ll buy me ice-cream. Reminded me of my 1st exam where I totally left out a 15-20mark question which’s very obvious. Sooo upset by myself that I cried while icq-ing with my mentor. Strangely he could guess I’m crying!or did i give him a ":_( " Kindly he & my cgl offered me ice-cream treat. Tonight, when the same couple were discusing about me while on their way home, they discussed that for all my birthdays, they’ll treat me ice-cream. How touching! Didn’t except such love too. But then… this’s love.

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Love is giving to the undeserving.

40 minutes before "Da Chang Jin", don’t know how to kill… haha… (can hear God sighing "What? nothing to do? talk to me lah?!"). Okok… Just to waste my time here blogging & msn-ing 2 other friends. today quite happy lah. busy at work, doing the tidy-up filing stuff which is a no-brainer job to me.. Keep my high "C" checkd whole day. I gladly accept anything that comes my path. Think my boss’s words are getting into me~ haha… though i still need to discern for myself despite him being a fellow brother-in-Christ. No one is perfect on this earth except Jesus.

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But sales not good leh.. getting concerned. For company & myself… Then for me, I’m not the pushy type but rather recommend something which I think is really suitable for others. Not saying that my firm’s products & services are not good, just that they may not suit every enquirer.

wah, a bit hard to write here sometimes… anyway, I just had flash backs on my past while still on my way home after a kopi session. Quite sudden till I started having a few questions rolling in mind. 1st thing 1st was that I decide to face whatever God’s surfacing. Go through it and be done with it (something I remember from "Tuesdays with Morrie" book). Wah, since when did I have such forward-looking mindset huh? Ever since I decided that I shall be happy even though it rains? haha.. used to pray those "Please don’t rain" that kinda prayers because I don’t like be caught in the rain. But now, rain or shine, all the praise goes out to Him! (yeah all the praise goes out to You!)

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Though I’m quite sad that I’m still not totally out of it yet, I want to get out of it now. Not like last time where I would rather leave some of those hurts within me. That time I got this weird logic that I’ll be left with nothing if I were to let go of that sad feeling. Now I can say I really want freedom in that area lor. I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!!!!!!

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While writing this blog, I’m on msn with a sis who had told me earlier this year when we met up, that this year’ll be a restoration year for me (forget about it). When she said that again after I shared with her about the flash backs, I just teared. I want to be free, restored & live a life worthy for His name. All the glory is His~ Perhaps joining choir for the past 2 weeks helps to boost faith level a bit. It’s more than just nice songs indeed. It reminds me of who God is. Take my focus back to Jesus who reigns.

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Ever since shifting home, it’s been hard to spend time with God… which I’m guilty of not doing so. So felt not as well-geared as before… Always want to wake up early to start the day with QT but failed… Cannot cannot… Must push my body to obey my mind. Mind over body!!! Otherwise I backslided also nobody knows. Hahaha… Think Lao Pa willn’t let go of me so easily one, still got long way to goooo before I return to the original state which He intended me to be.

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This personal journey with the Lord is really 1 of a kind. Full of surprises (because you don’t know when He’ll speak) and testings (because you’ll obey after He speaks). But I’m glad my partner is Jesus because only He understands what I’m going through and how & when I’ll emerge out of this victoriously! Only by His strength, grace & love.

• one that’ll not be sinful (of integrity)
• mostly regular wkg hrs in the day
• can walk about sometimes
• open culture (no backstabbing)
• Northeast, East, Central location
• good mentor/ superior
• require communication with internal & external clients
• min salary (at least)
• No "sales"
• mold me into His characters

I also didn’t believe my heart when I seemingly heard these words "Don’t o Taiwan". I was just trying to get a bathe after finishing my final project in NTU… Then I wondered if it’s really God who spoke because I felt my $ could be put into better use rather than leisure trip. I asked for confirmation if so when I have QT later.

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Went surfing www.gospelcom.net for daily bread again and entered the Discovery Series for today. It talked about keeping our appointments with God. Sure I’m guilty of many pitfalls stated there… like if I can’t spend enough time, I rather don’t spend time at all. But the author corrected this "perfectionist" method and said that better is a short period than none at all! Another pitfall is that I began to read more Christian books rather than the Bible itself when trying to connect to God. Bible can never be replaced!

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So knowing I want to watch Da Chang Jing at 10pm, I planned to start an hr before. But then I scare 1 hr not enough, in case I needed more time to get tuned back to God’s frequency, so I started at 8+pm. Felt abit retarded in the beginning, not knowing what to say.. Nevertheless, I thanked God for speaking to me, forgiving my sins, willing to bring me into His presence again and showing me Himself in His very own Word. For a moment, my worries for future income disappeared. What an awesome feeling!

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As I continued my Proverbs reading, just Prov 8, I’m reminded in verses 17-21 that my God is a rich God! He’ll provide when I seek Him and abide in His ways. Verse 18:" With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity." Again, I know there’s many kind of richness and wealth. Trusting God again on my future is all I need to do for now. It’s tough but isn’t it great that before I say it, He already knows? Yet He don’t mind hearing me again on how tough I feel. Maybe it’s for me to hear myself when I tell Him what’s on my heart.

Confession of sin takes more than words. It requires a true heart of repentence. When words fail, tears work. Always works for me. It’s really a special gift that God gives me & I’m very thankful for this "liquid in my eyes".

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Struggling with sin is not news for me. Shouldn’t be news for those who wants to please our Lord yet live in this contradicting world who seek to please itself. In my weaknesses, I gave in to temptation at times & faced the consequences that accompany. When the guilt & doubt returned to shaken my faith, I questioned myself why did I sin in the first place even though I know it’s a repeated sin. It’s like a cycle that I can’t break through, at least with my own strength. Certainly Jesus’s strength is sufficient but why didn’t I ask at that moment? How to get back on track?

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Answers came when I read the online Discovery Series Booklets in http://www.rbc.org/ds/. Reading related stuff is often my way to get answers perhaps because I’m brought up that way. But this’s not the best way since Jesus’s our Answer. Nevertheless, it’s still better than not seeking for solutions & living silently in the consequences of sin.

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Firstly, it’s never easy to admit my sin and that I’m helpless without God. A test of humility for me. It’s disturbing to admit that my problem has its root in idolatry- worship others but God. Another humility test.

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Secondly, I admit that the person I hurted most each time I sin is my Heavenly Father. This very thought of why did I do things that hurt the person who loves me the most, drove tears down my cheeks. Surprisingly, He was just silent while I cried. He didn’t reprimand nor turned His back from me, which made me cry even more. What a loving Father I have! (Hey, this thought now brings tears of comfort too!) For He understands my heart, struggles, me. And the perfect healing process that has to take place to restore me as I seek His forgiveness.

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Lastly, believe in the power of Jesus’s blood to overcome that cycle of sin is essential for me. A test of faith, for the past, present and future. Surely there’s nothing He cannot do. So I cut cut cut that sin chain once and for all!

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Yesterday I learnt why the Tree of Knowledge was there in the Garden of Eden in the first place while reading the series on "Eve & Rahab: Learning to make Better Choices". Love is a choice. Without the ability to choose, to say that we love has no meaning. The author explained, "The tree was there so that Eve and Adam could voluntarily choose to keep themselves in fellowship with God." So the temptation is allowed so that I can choose whether to love God or not! Aiyo… Hope I will make better choices in future.

Yes, FYP’s over now. Just need to wait for final edition before it’s officially finished. TG that it’s done.

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TG that i went Post Encounter yesterday despite the flu i’m having. struggled to get out of bed (of course) but i sensed the gentle urging of HS telling me to go & be blessed. if i could only identify 1 blessing that morning, it’ll be this: I realise my struggle to be accepted as important. a brother’s words set me thinking again, "why me? what have i contribute to our fellowship?" often, i don’t feel that my existence’ll make a difference. there’s so many souls out that like me… don’t need to mention about looks because i already know i look like this this this, that that that person… haha. i’m like the beggar in the crowd that surround Jesus. no one notice except Jesus. isn’t it puzzling???

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Till worship in afternoon service, i’m still wondering about this issue. yet the lyrics again & again spoke about the glory of Him & took my focus off myself, which i’m glad. unto Him who’s worthy & deserving of all praises. so glad to be able to worship as usual. slowly i began to realise i’m important to God! so important that He’s mindful of me all the time, taking time & effort to prune me when He could jolly well do many other things on earth & heaven. but it’s me He looks upon & mold me daily into His characters. often this journey can be tough & trying, leading me to feel terrible & tiny about myself but He’s….

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my Shield (from false accusations), my Strength (to finish this race)

My Portion (my destiny in God), Delieverer (from sins)

My Shelter (from harsh weathers), Strong Tower (of refuge)

My very Presence Help in times of need.

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but my God’s a God of Abundance!!! so 1 blessing from Him seemed to undermine His power. What can i ask of You, God that You’ll freely give? #1 on my list is Love (aka God Himself). As i asked of more of You to fill me during worship, i saw this picture again- the picture of You, as a Father embracing me by the beach. HEY, this venue’s the same as the one He showed me during my 1st Encounter Weekend’s session of "Father’s love". how long ago was that? that’s during my 20th birthday~ dear, almost 4 years! but it remains as 1 of the most beautiful moments/ picture/ mental movies that i ever had from God.

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The heavenly Father’s arms never tire of holding His children.

it’s the time of the night again where i’m abit lost at what to do… after dinner, bathe and done online errand, there’s still abit of time before my 10pm QT. if i’m at home, i sure watch TV. haven’t been wanting to study too.. oh dear, very slack for this last semester! anyway, i’ll study when the mind’s in right mood.

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FYP will be over soon! 99% done. yippy~ looking back, it seems a long journey.. weekly or even daily meetings during weekdays. glad that it’s coming to an end, where the product’s almost complete. perhaps by then can i set my mind to studying for my modules.

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coming back to my spiritual life, i thank God for being with me through all seasons. humbled by the Sanctification week experiences, my heart becomes tender for God once again. not only i feel good about it, i’m feeling good about any other things too! yea, when my spiritual life is good, it manifests to all other areas of my life. when Jesus’s at the centre of me.

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done a spiritual gifting assessment test this week (available at http://www.cforc.com/sgifts.html). i scored full for ‘Craftmanship’! yes, i enjoy working with my hands. creating beautiful things out of them, which are beautifully created by God. next highest rating is ‘Evangelist’. strange, every christian should answer a "4" for those questions what! heehee. anyway, i’m also high on ‘Helps’ and ‘Hospitality’. by helping others make my life worthwhile bah. instead of being a libility on earth, i can be an asset and see the smiles of the receiver. i’m blessed too! if not how to bless other???

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ok, time’s up. just nice for QT now.

天天都是感恩天~